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We sealed our love in a coffin, and buried it alive under shovelfuls of remorse, anger, despair, and numb shock. Now its dying screams are fading as grass sprouts above.
Morbid, yes, but I have to describe that feeling, the sick horror of capricious destruction and willful waste -- arson, or the euthanization of a struggling patient, or toddlers knocking over each other's sand castles. A million shared moments are the grains that we pack together, defying mortal fragility, before we crumble them, scattering them to lodge in the crevices of memory, to be found weeks and years later, or to be encased in blank cysts.
posted on Thursday, August 12, 2010
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Years ago, I made a compromise with myself. Even though my Christian friends weren't able to meaningfully defend their beliefs, I could still talk to them, be friends with them, and generally treat them like intelligent, reasonable people. This experience has shaken that compromise. I'll obviously be avoiding close friendships with attractive single Christian women, but beyond that, I have a newfound bitterness toward Christians and superstitious people in general. The bitterness isn't entirely irrational, but it's not entirely pragmatic either -- there are still Christians whose friendship I value, and they aren't responsible for her decisions, even if they share the thought patterns that informed those decisions.
I can't help but wonder what role the methylphenidate had in bringing her doubts to the forefront. It all came to a head just days after she started taking that stuff. Who knows; it doesn't change anything, I guess.
Weekends are the worst. I have way too much time to ruminate on this shit.
posted on Saturday, August 07, 2010
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Putting one foot in front of the other and trusting that I'm getting closer.
posted on Wednesday, August 04, 2010
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Fuck everything. I don't even know how to begin to heal.
posted on Tuesday, August 03, 2010
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