Class today brought terror and euphoria in equal measure. Terror because after spending all night (half-)finishing a lab report, biking to Phillips at daybreak to beat the TA to the submission box, and spending about three hours of quality time with my dear yet estranged friend Sleep, I arrived ten minutes late to Discrete to find the first midterm well underway.
Oh shit was of course my first thought, despair at seeing confirmed what had seemed like paranoia, quickly supplanted by desperate, do-or-die determination as I stole into the room, followed by cantankerous defiance upon seeing the professor's incredulity that I was even going to attempt the test. Not that his skepticism was unjustified -- I hadn't even been to class in a week, and since the midterm dates weren't on any of the course materials, it was only instinct that compelled me to make an appearance, academic guilt long since having lost its worth as a motivating factor.
Instinct isn't something I'm comfortable relying on. Nor improvisation. They served me well today, though (insofar as they apply to mathematical proofs), perversely energized by the general cranky-mofoness of insomina. And so I was pleasantly surprised to find myself handing in the completed test with a whole five seconds to spare. I probably didn't do very well, but I put in a damn good effort, considering. In a masochistic way, I'm hoping to pass but only barely, because I need a sharp shock to break the habit of wingin' it, which has become more or less the only way I get any academic work done. Why can't I be organized and studious like Dav? It'd be boring, but I could be doing so much more. I've got smarts, health, luck, everything but motivation.
It began raining as I went to Latin, kept raining all through class, rained still as I left Murphey, and finally thinned to a drizzle as I got back to Odum. I'm relieved that I still love Latin, although if we were reading anybody but Catullus, I might not be as sure. But enough with the contrafactuals -- getting rained on is a great way to end a week.
posted on Friday, September 14, 2007
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