Why have I almost entirely lost any work ethic I had?
Don't get the wrong impression; I'm not upset or anything. Well, there's part of me that's upset about something, but that's kind of seperate... this being a journal and all, I should probably write about it.
So a girl likes me. And I think that she's really cool and all, and I want to get to know her better... but she likes me. And I'm beginning to realize I may have led her on for a couple weeks without even realizing it.
I had kind of suspected that she liked me for a while, but I just thought, "Hey - let it float." I didn't think that'd be a problem, and in the meanwhile, I acted more or less normal around her. At least, I thought I did. Yesterday a friend (another girl, naturally, for they understand these things far better than I) mentioned that the girl likes me, and that she had been taking a lot of the things that I did - even physical contact of the most mundane kind! - to be flirting.
I think my mouth was hanging slackly open at this point of the conversation.
After a while, I closed it. Then, happy with my rediscovered motor skills but still astonished, I reopened it and poured forth speech. Incoherent speech, probably, for like a good friend she ignored it and told me exactly what I needed to know but didn't want to hear.
"If you don't like her, you should probably tell her, Chris..."
The girl who likes me is a friend, but I have no extra-special feelings for her at the moment. I can't even type that without it sounding stonehearted; how can I look into her eyes and say that to her face in any way/shape/form without wanting to shoot myself?
I talked to a third girl about the situation this morning. I was hoping she'd have some happy-ending solution. So much for that; I got the exact same answer from her.
I almost told her today, but I was too much of a coward to walk over to her, ask her for a moment of her time, and (in all likelihood) break her heart. She doesn't know, how can I tell her?
Anyway, aside from all that, life is quite good. My only regret right now (disregarding the above) is that there's a hell of a lot of good music in this world and I'll never be able to listen to it all.
I finally got Jimmy Eat World's Bleed American album, along with a bunch of other music. My parents are making me go legal with my music, but they're paying for it with my report card cash, so it's not at all a bad deal. Bleed American is one hell of an album, just as Jimmy Eat World is one hell of a band. Favorite songs on that album right now: If You Don't, Don't, Hear You Me, and, of course, Sweetness.
Maybe I'm losing my work ethic because I'm about three-fourths done with this school year and getting rather tired of classes, even the ones that I like...
Oh yeah, update from yesterday: I'm not sick, I was just tired and cold, thank the gods.
This really isn't a proper journal with a brief explanation of who I am. Hopefully that gap will be filled tomorrow.
posted on Wednesday, March 05, 2003
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